Five Goals Secure Andover III's Fifth Consecutive Win

Andover III travelled to Haslemere looking for their 5th consecutive win. It wouldn’t be easy though: they’d have to do it without manager Russ Hemming's "6 cheers" and the injuries of Sam Richards. The former helping out one of Andover’s elite teams and the latter desperately searching for his “lost” Dick of The Year award (lest he be given a brand new one by default!).

Andover started the game well and put Haslemere under a lot of pressure early on. Andover's efforts soon paid off. Matt Hodgson, after receiving a crouching tiger pass from Tom Lee (which was definitely pure skill and not luck), deployed his infamous stick skills (not the throwing one) to dazzle the Haslemere defence. So dazzled were they that, unlike Hodgson, they failed to notice one Alfie Morgan loitering around the goal. Morgan (this time without the aid of any female attire) took his chance and smashed the ball home to give Andover a deserved lead.

It wasn’t long before Andover extended the lead. After some more impressive play Andover won a free hit outside the D. While everyone else wanted a breather, Grieg Taylor (like all true Scots) jumped at the chance to take the hit upon learning it was free. He found Hodgson who, not content with his assist, decided he fancied his chances with a tomahawk – to everyone's shock it went in!

Haslemere by this point were mighty peeved and began to put Andover’s defence under pressure with a few mildly scary attacks of their own. However, with Tom “the Hulk” Bevan intimidating their attackers by his sheer presence and impressive arithmetic (counting the number of players attacking “I’ve got two, three, four!”) they couldn’t make anything stick. Indeed, so desperate did Haslemere become that, after keeper David Rutherford wiped out one of their minors for having the audacity to attempt a 1v1, they continued to play despite the aforementioned minor writhing in agony on the floor. While Rutherford nobly went to check on the youngster to see if it was still alive, Haslemere continued their attack against the open goal. Thankfully, neither Peter Lawrence nor Gary Holmes gave a flying puck about the crippled child and continued to defend dutifully to prevent Haslemere from capitalising on Rutherford’s sportsmanship. (This paragraph is dedicated to that small person... RIP)

By now Rob Eldridge was becoming bored of not scoring and so he scored... It was okay I guess.

Then disaster struck! And by disaster I mean a quite substantial inconvenience. Haslemere, by now foaming at the mouth, won a short corner. And by “won” I mean Rutherford decided to kick the ball away despite the call to leave it and in doing so launched the ball into a ginger kid’s chest – thus terminating his second minor of the day! (RIP ginger kid). Anyway, long story short Haslemere scored. Damn. Then Andover let them have another short with no time left to play. They scored from that too. Bugger.

At half time Rob Eldridge stepped up to give the inspiring team talk in the absence of the manager... It was okay I guess. Meanwhile, Haslemere realised they were in a war of attrition and attempted to replace their deceased teammates with a new recruit: a rather large fellow who looked more keeper-resistant. However, with Eldridge’s words still ringing in their ears Andover immediately got to work in the second half... By giving Haslemere another short corner. In fact, Andover were feeling so especially charitable that they gave their hosts repeated short corners until eventually Haslemere scored. 3-3.

What followed was a very closely fought affair with both teams pushing for the win. For a few moments Peter “Lawless” Lawrence went rogue and began passing to the oppo! This made Andover quite nervous and made Hodgson quite annoyed. Haslemere then began tripping the Andover players with an apparent amnesty from their umpire. Liam Kavanagh darted by a few of their players before one defender had had quite enough of that sort of thing and sent him flying. This was okay according to the new rules which also, coincidentally, meant Andover were not permitted to make good tackles – this made Hodgson even more annoyed. After some superb play by Liam Andrews to make a perfect pass to Rob Eldridge, Eldridge scored again... It was okay I guess. Somehow, this regained lead seemed to add to Hodgson's stress (even with Lawless Lawrence back under control!) and following some more peculiar decisions Hodgson decided the best thing to do was to explain to the umpire how he felt about it all - a passionate speech during which Hodgson expressed his frustration and remained entirely deaf to his teammates' advice to stop talking. Clearly sensing Hodgson’s pain, their umpire listened and tried to be firm but fair apparently ready to let him off the hook. However, at this point umpire May stepped in... and sent him off. Andover rose to the challenge and kept Haslemere quiet while they waited for Hodgson to finish his time-out.

Once Andover were back to full strength, Eldridge decided he’d had enough of this squeaky bum time nonsense and set about trying to secure (another) hat-trick for himself and the win. The opportunity arose when another of Haslemere's small persons found himself at the top of his own D and having to clear the danger. Sensing fear in the young defender Eldridge charged mercilessly at him. This caused the little child to panic and try to cover the ball. However, like a scene from Jaws, it was too late. Eldridge ripped through, stole the ball and beat the keeper for the hat-trick and bagged the win for Andover. The small child was devastated, looking around him to his teammates, knowing he’d messed up, knowing he’d let them down: “sorry” he uttered as a tear rolled down his face. As his world began to collapse around him, a vision that’ll haunt him for the rest of his life, Eldridge ran by as if he’d just won the world cup: “YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!” in your face loser.... It was okay I guess. (RIP small defender who was almost certainly lynched by Haslemere post-match)

And so it was that Andover vanquished Haslemere 3-5. They continue their winning streak and keep the promotion push alive. Everyone gave their all for that well-deserved win and they can go into the last game of the season full of confidence. Special mentions to Jonah and Stewart Graham: Jonah worked relentlessly throughout the game in the hope of receiving some recognition from his father in the form of sweets (and for getting through the game without aeroplane noises); Stewart for being the cheerleader on and off the pitch despite forgetting his pom-poms!