Andover III Win (the second half)!

Andover III travelled to Alton for their final preseason friendly. The pre-match build-up was not smooth: Alton, it transpires, is a far away land without 4G, 3G or possibly any Gs at all. This was most inconvenient when the convoy required a functioning satnav after the initial plan of keeping up with Peter "Lawless" Lawrence went belly up. Then there was the loo without toilet paper (not yet invented in Alton) which, mercifully, Ian Bowry noticed just before he found himself with an awkward predicament. Next the warm up, which knackered Andover out… it was quite muggy. Finally, Oli Godman began making excuses – “I haven’t played in ages”, “I’ve got a new stick”, “Sam’s driving makes me ill”. However, despite this less than ideal start, Andover felt ready for the game. They had kidnapped a spare Alton goalie whose name I have already forgotten (hereafter, “Bob”) and saw a familiar opposition in front of them - the only difference was that now their sticks had return addresses printed on them in case an angry Matt Hodgson airmailed one to another postcode again. Yet again Andover were inspired to “Andover on three!” by Captain Hodgson and, yet again, Captain Hodgson BEGAN on three…. Still, “Andover!” was duly chanted except one possible shout of “Alton!” by Bob (which made him about as innocent as two Russian tourists visiting a cathedral). The whistle was blown and the battle commenced.

I say battle, the first 15 minutes were more of a slaughter and Andover very much the lambs. A heat map of the Andover players would have been as depressing as a Cold Play album. It would have shown Andover going to and from the halfway line after fetching the ball out of their goal… four times. In fairness, Alton’s goals were well-worked and Bob did all he could to stop Andover further embarrassment. Anyway, less said about those 15 minutes the better. After, Andover decided they were bored of conceding and set about creating some chances for themselves. Before long Matt Bowry scored with a lovely lob over the keeper and Andover were delighted: the fight back was on! And then it was off because Alton scored again and that was half-time. 5-1.

After an inspired half-time team talk, during which Ian Bowry made four very good three points to work on (one of them was not his arithmetic!), Andover set about winning the second-half. Alton hit the ball to Andover upon the restart and Andover, perhaps misconstruing this for cockiness rather than sportsmanship, took no time at all to punish them. Despite a pitch rougher than a night out in Glasgow, Andover managed to pass their way through Alton with Hodgson finishing the play with a fine strike. The confidence gained from the goal saw Andover fight back into the game and soon they scored another – this time Ian Bowry. The game upped in intensity as Alton tried to put the visitors back in their place. Man of the Match Liam Kavanagh was more than a match for this level of intensity - as always he charged around like a Springer Spaniel on amphetamine and only occasionally mounted the oppositions’ legs. However, Alton began to resort to less noble tactics. First, Tom Lee was unceremoniously rugby tackled to prevent a breakout after Lawless Lawrence made a pin-point pass out from the back. Then, a sudden thud and a yell of pain! Nobody looked up, we all knew. Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and Sam Richards getting hit by the ball. In fact, so often does Richards get in the way of the ball one wonders why we didn’t just kit him up and spare Bob the trouble? Eventually, the war of attrition brought Alton the reward of another goal. Yet, Andover remained determined to press on and win the second half. At this point, Alfie Morgan was loitering around like a typical youth and was quite bored of all the running. Indeed, Morgan was so bored (or maybe still missing Ed Hall) that he deployed his artistic skills to depict a penis in the sand… quite why he drew a gentleman’s sausage is anyone’s guess, as is why he told the person who would be writing the report! In any case, Matt Bowry was mighty unimpressed with Morgan’s shenanigans and decided to wake him up by hitting the ball at 200mph towards him from the other side of the pitch. Much to everyone’s surprise this turned out to be an incredible pass to put Morgan through on goal! But what would Morgan do? Left of the keeper, right, over the top? No. Morgan did what only a true genius of the game could do – he hit it straight at the keeper with such venom that it rocketed through the keeper’s legs, hitting the backboard along with pieces of the keeper's knee caps. With that clinical goal Andover had won (the second half) 1-3, and Alton could not have been any more shell-shocked had they discovered they’d been defending a D engraved with a trouser snake.

Special mentions: Jonah Graham who sent his dad Stewart to play instead after his mummy told him he wasn’t allowed to play; Matt Hodson, Dick of the Day, for his “sh-aerial” which saw him put the match ball out of play and into orbit… I like to think it’s up there somewhere with that Alton stick from last year.