Andover's Winning Start Continues

After having won their opening game Andover III were to play Tadley (who do not play in Tadley). Andover arrived early at the Legion and things looked ominous: Tom Lee as a typical student felt it was far too early to be awake, George Vanstone-Reed thought it was too chilly, and Neil Drapper revealed he was carrying a devastating neck injury following a particularly vicious sneeze! There was much waiting before the team concluded that Christopher Wilson had gone AWOL and Peter “Lawless” Lawrence had clearly had another malevolent malfunction and made his own way without telling anyone. And so the team headed out on their way to somewhere-nearish-Tadley-but-not-actually-Tadley…

The journey up was… interesting. For the most part it consisted of Sam Richards and Drapper discussing the differences of dating between their generations. Richards explained the joys of Plenty of Fish, Tinder, and Grindr while Drapper revealed his old favoured tactic of his youthful days – actually going out to a bar, getting a woman blind drunk, and hoping she’d blow his bagpipes. Richards explained you can't really do that anymore, "ah" signed Drapper "because of stranger danger?". We concluded that, due to issues of consent and respect for fellow human beings, the best way was probably somewhere between the generational divide. Drapper just said he would have been happy to get between anyone’s generational divide. As we approached somewhere-nearish-Tadley-but-not-actually-Tadley, Drapper became increasingly concerned that we’d be late. He was especially concerned because he needed a poo and was fearful that it’d soon touch cloth. This made Lee and Vanstone-Reed also especially concerned for they were sat behind him, and Richards drove faster to prevent Drapper soiling his beloved car. We arrived at somewhere-nearish-Tadley-but-not-actually-Tadley just as the weather had turned more miserable than a Jose Mourinho with third-season syndrome. Richards drove us up to the astroturf where we found our latest goalkeeper Neil Sturman ready and waiting. Perhaps terrified by his towering presence, Richards suddenly reversed and parked as far away from the pitch as possible. Drapper was not impressed, he rushed off towards the portaloo taking some DeepHeat with him… Nobody except Drapper knows quite what he did in there, but it can’t have been good. Anyway, there was actually a match and I should probably mention it.

Andover didn’t have time for a proper warm-up and this perhaps combined with the conditions to ensure that Andover’s first touch was like that of Romelu Lukaku on a good day. Indeed, Lee’s first touch on occasion was so poor it could have ended up in the real Tadley. Nonetheless, Andover were by far the better team and piled the pressure on the home team. There were some good chances with Ian Bowry perhaps coming closest only to end up cuddling the keeper on the floor. An unfortunate Tadley player got in the way of a Lawless Lawrence special. Andover, being the callous souls that we are, were wanting to play on but Lawrence insisted on stopping. Moved by this unusual display of empathy by Lawless Lawrence, the game was stopped. There was a small delay during which Lawrence’s empathy circuits were recalibrated and Tadley went to get their fallen comrade a body bag. The game resumed with Andover dominance. Andover were so well camped in Tadley’s half that the only way the home team would score would be if one of their hit and hopes got all the way through to their forward. As it happened that’s what they did! Perhaps Lawless Lawrence was resetting after the morning’s malfunctions, perhaps Thomas Bevan was enjoying watching the attacking prowess of his team, perhaps Drapper was still sore – whatever the reason, Andover found themselves trailing. Wound up by this injustice, Captain Rob Eldridge became angry and began rallying the troops. There were several occasions where they tried to catch Tadley napping at long corners and free hits but Tadley’s umpire “Hawkeye” would insist that the ball was 3 microns out of place and thus had to be retaken. Despite Hawkeye’s best efforts, a free hit was taken and Eldridge’s shot hit the keeper and fell for Bowry Snr. who quickly stopped cuddling the goalie to equalise. Justice was done, and the half ended 1-1.

After a stirring team talk during which Bowry Snr. made clear that he was “angry” with our collective first touch and Eldridge as always was keen to go in hard, Andover were ready to go on to win the second half. Ready, that is, except for Alfie Morgan who forgot to go on the pitch. Busy sat in the dugout pondering the deepest questions of life, Morgan suddenly had an epiphany – the game wasn’t over and he was meant to be playing hockey! Struck by this realisation of great truth, he forgot how to take his hoodie off and struggled for what seemed like an eternity with this task. For not being ready, getting imprisoned in his hoodie, and for later trying to blame this on his mum, Morgan was given Dick of the Day. Andover continued to dominate the game but couldn’t quite make the domination count. Soon, however, Bowry Snr. had become so angry at his team’s ball control that he decided the best solution was to not pass the ball to any of them. Instead, he charged through Tadley’s defence and threw off their affectionate advances as player after player tried to mount him – “this is no time for romancing!” he shouted before scoring for the second time to put Andover in the lead, 1-2. Andover pressed on determinedly trying to make the score line more comfortable. Plenty of effort was put in by Ed Duffield and Sam Hughes with the latter on occasion revealing himself to be a “demi-hodgy” while getting angry at falling below his high standards. At one point, Hughes was so angry at his miscontrol that he kicked the fence in frustration – that taught the naughty fence a lesson!
Then, a chance! Tom Lee played in Rob Eldridge with a (amazing, unbelievable, terrific) pass. Eldridge’s eyes lit up – a goal, surely! Lee’s eyes lit up – an assist, surely! The keeper fell to the floor, desperate for another Bowry cuddle. Eldridge was not cuddly. He took the shot. Time seemed to slow down as the ball rolled agonizingly across the face of goal – Eldridge had missed and was sad, Lee hadn’t got an assist and was sad. Suddenly, when it seemed all hope was lost, Liam Kavanagh defied the laws of physics - bending space and time back on itself he somehow appeared between three Tadley defenders and the ball in time to score! Kavanagh was delighted at scoring, Eldridge was delighted at assisting, Lee was delighted before realising that Eldridge had “stolen” his assist and then he was sad again. Still, it was a remarkable goal – not even Kavanagh knows how he got there to score – worthy of winning any game. Which is just what Andover did: 1-3.

Tadley gave Andover a laminated map in order to locate the teas somewhere near somewhere-nearish-Tadley-but-not-actually-Tadley. The team began as a convoy before all splitting up – clearly we were better at hockey than orienteering. On the way, Richards and Drapper constantly bickered over the right way to go and how to read a map. Richards didn’t listen to Drapper and this made him upset because we got completely lost. Drapper had been distracting Richards and so it was his fault, and so on… Lee and Vanstone-Reed kept asking “are we there yet?” which incensed Drapper who was already irritable due to his discomfort while sitting. Eventually the happy family arrived and had somehow beaten the other cars. Still, Drapper and Richards continued to argue over who had been right. Eventually the victors sat down to eat and have intelligent conversation: Alfie Morgan explained how he had to give up art after he tried to draw a stick insect which actually looked like a shark “which is silly because sharks don’t have legs” (yes Alfie, that and there isn’t an easier thing to draw than a stick insect – it’s a line with legs); and the idea of a Whatsapp group was floated and the inclusion of Alfie’s mum, Matt Bowry warned that Alfie might send dick picks and Alfie’s mum added “what makes you think I won’t?” (make of that what you will). Bowry Snr. seemed unperturbed by this and he and Alfie’s mum seemed to be enjoying a cosy conversation at the bar. If we didn’t know any better, we’d say Bowry Snr. was going for the hat-trick…

And so Andover won their second game of the season. They drove home having ‘gone in hard’ as Eldridge wanted, and come out satisfied. Tadley were left to rue the day and to assist the police investigation into a suspected terrorist attack in a portaloo somewhere-nearish-Tadley-but-not-actually-Tadley: someone had discovered Drapper’s dirty bomb.

Man of the Match: Liam Kavanagh – because how the hell did he get there??
Dick of the Day: Alfie Morgan – because of a number of reasons but above all for blaming his mum.
Special Mentions: Rob Eldridge for getting 2 assists while trying to score. Sam Richards for not getting injured.