Andover III Hang Visitors Out to Dry

Andover III faced Fleet and Ewshot III and were looking to secure a 6th consecutive win. The team was confident, the mood was good, the weather was not. Apparently, it was Andover’s monsoon season and this most worried James Rochester a man who, despite forging a military career, famously cannot stand the slightest English drizzle. Rochester kept a close eye on the forecasts as the push back approached. Andover warmed up sheltered from a weather more temperamental than a bipolar Matt Hodgson who, due to some commitment in Glasgow of all places, found himself in the company of other angry short people. As the rain lashed down like a final fight scene from Lethal Weapon, there was concern as to how this would affect the playing conditions. Thankfully, George Vanstone-Reed was able to shed some light on this: “It could be slippy” he observed. Thank god Vanstone-Reed was there to explain how wet water can be or Andover would surely have lost the game before it had begun!

The teams joined together in a respectful minute’s silence of remembrance for those countless people who gave their lives so that we could spend our time worrying about how the weather may affect our hockey game rather than anything more serious.
Following the silence, Andover engaged in the pre-match huddle which was less dignified – Vanstone-Reed had forgotten his stick and Alfie Morgan had his trousers down. Nonetheless, with a few final words from Captain Rob Eldridge, Andover were ready to go (once Morgan had corrected his wardrobe malfunction).

The opening 10 minutes saw Andover look the most threatening as they created chances but were unable to capitalise - Eldridge going closest in directing the ball into the goal with an almighty pelvic thrust (the umpire said he wasn’t allowed to use that stick). At some point Rochester fell over. Some fresh subs would surely freshen things up. A two-minute warning went up to Edward Duffield who was to be replaced by the eager Sam Hughes A.K.A demi-Hodgy. At the opportune moment, Duffield headed to the bench and Hughes for the pitch. Yet Hughes, despite having 2 minutes advance notice had forgotten something quite important – his stick. Not the smoothest substitution ever, the next would be better. Following two-minute warning, this time Oli “Man of God” Godman (tenacious in defence as ever) to come off for Vanstone-Reed, Godman ran across the pitch to make the sub as quickly as possible. Except Vanstone-Reed was not ready – he had forgotten and had to locate his gum shield. This took an awkward amount of time but thankfully Fleet were unable to take advantage of the confusion as Rochester continued to distract them with his falling over. Fleet were, however, able to take advantage of an Andover spectator (and not I’m not talking about Alfie’s mum) in the form of Keeper Steve Payne. Payne, by his own admission (sort of), had been “enjoying spectating” too much and suddenly found himself with some work to do. Fleet had inexplicably managed to find their way past the dynamic duo of Peter “Lawless” Lawrence and Neil “Dirty-Bomb” Drapper, and with only Payne to beat. Flummoxed by this, Payne seemed to lose his footing at the crucial moment and could only “spectate” as Fleet scored from a difficult angle (although it would have been more difficult if Payne was upright).
Once Payne had been up-righted, Andover took the fight to Fleet and were determined to prove they were merely being sporting in giving the visitors a head-start. The hosts began linking their passes up well (most of the time – sometimes they were about as accurate as horoscopes) and began playing with a certain amount of style, creating chances left, right and… well not so much the centre. Rochester began to come into the game more after being marked out of the majority of the first half by, it transpired, his teammate Sam Richards. With Richards no longer marking his own team, he found himself in space with time to turn and pick a pass. Richards threaded a ball through to put Tom Lee in on goal who, in an act of pure chivalry and self-lessness, set up Eldridge who (of course) gobbled up the chance to equalise for Andover. Shocked by this display of selfless teamplay, Rochester fell over. The teams went in at the break 1-1

Captain Eldridge gave a stirring team talk (probably) and made a few tactical tweaks. Most notably he asked Tom Bevan to make sure Richards wasn’t going in too deep. This seemed appropriate as Richards pointed out that Bevan’s Mo made him look like a 70’s porn star. As the teams took to the pitch for the second half, Vanstone-Reed, the Michael Owen of the team, was on hand with more tactical advice: “We need to score to win.” Thanks George.

The second half became increasingly open and Fleet were desperate to score. Liam Kavanagh was also seemingly desperate for Fleet to score as he gave away short after short. However, supposedly due to Drapper’s pep-talk at each short, Kavanagh came away with the ball every time. Fleet were unable to cope with his dazzling speed which would make Usain Bolt look slower than a replacement bus service. Rochester fell over. Andover began to put some really nice passes together, except Vanstone-Reed who had accidently taken his sand wedge resulting in him “passing” to people’s faces. The spectators got excited, especially Alfie’s mum: “Get it in! Get it in! GET IT IN!”. The encouragement was just what Andover needed who fired home sooner than expected from enthusiasm. Somebody-who-was-not-Lee set up Eldridge for his second – and so his goal gluttony began to rear its ugly head again. 2-1
Spurred on by taking the lead and the increasing space as Fleet tried to get back in the game, Andover soon increased the lead. The ball fell to Morgan (who was loitering in the D as always) who scored despite the fact he had closed his eyes. Morgan asked what had happened with this goal so here is the explanation: Morgan hit it straight between the keeper’s legs (as always), the ball bounced off the inside of his pad, fell behind him, and he backheeled it into the goal – probably the best dirty goal you’ll ever see. Or miss. If you shut your eyes when shooting like Morgan. 3-1
Andover continued to attack, and there occurred three occasions where Eldridge found himself in on goal with Lee in support hoping Eldridge would return the favour. But Greedy Eldridge, let it be known, does not return favours – he is a receiver not a giver – and every time he saw the pass to Lee his goal gluttony corrupted his soul and he couldn’t bring himself to make the pass. Despicable. Saddened by this display of selfishness, Rochester fell over. Finally, after a little heart to heart, Greedy Eldridge “took” an opportunity to “assist” Lee. Lee had passed it to Eldridge and continued his run, all that was needed was a simple square ball. Alas, Greedy Eldridge (and perhaps the conditions… perhaps) managed to make more of a hash of this than the government’s Brexit negotiations. Lee found himself having to dive in vain for the ball, getting royally soaked in the process. “Unlucky!” said Greedy Eldridge. Lee muttered something under his breath. “Liam would have got it, to be fair” added Drapper, helpful as ever. And so the game ended 3-1 with Andover securing yet another win, Greedy Eldridge was satisfied again, and Rochester fell over.

D.O.D was going to be a tough call. That was until Morgan, upon seeing Rochester change his shirt, turned to Lee and said, “James is hairier than I imagined he would be.” As if revealing that he imagines his teammates topless wasn’t enough, upon arriving at the legion he began to pile up his plate before the opposition had even arrived! Rochester scolded him for his insolence, before going to get a beer. Upon returning, he found Morgan tucking in – still the opposition had not arrived! Imagining his teammates topless, eating before the opposition, and missing his own goal was perhaps vintage Alfie Morgan. As it happened though, the outfit and Alfie’s mum’s nipple tassels were with Hodgson who had required them for a “fancy dress party”.
M.O.M was fairly straight-forward, expect for Rochester who declared nobody fit for it – rich coming from a man who’d spent half the game lying down. It went to Liam Kavanagh who, as always, charged around like the Duracell bunny on acid.